Ah summer shows, bringing us the likes of “Pirate Master”, the new show on CBS from the Lord of Reality Shows Mark Burnett. After getting over my assumption that it was just a joke, I’ve been watching the promo ads with what can only be described as a mixture of giddiness and awe. But after watching the first episode I’m pleased to confirm that yes, CBS, a large corporate network, has produced a television show that involves regular people dressing up like pirates…

I think fans of Survivor will clearly see the influence of beloved Rupert Boneham, the original reality show pirate from Survivor: Pearl Island and Survivor: All-Stars, in getting this show from concept to production. The thing about creating a show based on people pretending to be characters, is that it opens the door to a whole new slate of horrifying (or wickedly awesome) reality shows. Clearly there can now be a medieval reality show, something like “Knights of the Roundtable”. It would be a rip-off of whatever that Commando Navy Seal reality show is, but with chain mail armor and horses. I think some sort of Gladiator show makes a lot of sense, hosted by Russell Crowe, of course. And then every sci-fi devotee would apply for “Enterprise: Star Trek the Reality Show” (Sci-Fi Network, not to mention Gene Roddenberry’s heirs, must be sleeping on the job for not having that one in place yet). I want to hear of some more ideas. The possibilities are too enticing.

But back to business: the premiere of “Pirate Master” (I’m outside North America at the moment, so it premiered later here). What can I say? It seems a little more like Peter Pan. A bunch of people who…well, what are they? Are they die-hard reality show fans who just said “to hell with it, whatever the show is, I want to be on it” or are they life-long pirate devotees? I can’t figure it out. But apparently they all jumped (and maybe quit their jobs) at the chance to play dress-up on a ship while being filmed.

I won’t give a full recap, but suffice it to say that I think John, the guy in black, was doomed from the start. An “engineeer by day, Chippendale dancer by night” is not the bio of a winning contestant, particularly one who has David Copperfield’s fashion sense. After 30 minutes of footage he hadn’t made the statue of liberty disappear, and he had clearly pissed everyone else off.

So after a less than enthralling treasure hunt, where a guy getting his shoe stuck in the mud and delaying his entire team while he struggled to find it was the most exciting part, we were introduced to the rather confusing captain, first-mates and crew hierarchy that as far I can tell guarantees that the Captain will be hated. But what really guaranteed that the Captain would be hated was the first Captain, a smokejumper named Joe Don, who actually transformed the moment he was made Captain Joe. It’s like he had never watched a reality show in his life and forgot that he needed allies beyond his two officers. It was amazing to watch how quickly he alienated himself. He can’t be long for the Captain’s job, can he?

Then Captain Joe got to choose who would get the “black mark” and be voted off at tribal council pirate’s court. Predictably he chose Copperfield, and also Joy (who got teary-eyed at the thought of being de-pirated) and Louie, but I’ll call him Rupert, because again, it’s clear he was cast to fill-in for that lovable Survivor. Judge for yourself (real Rupert is on the left):

Anyways, in the run-up to the vote Copperfield was in trouble, but he made some sense in trying to rally the troops to “mutiny” and kick off Captain Joe. But at the trial Copperfield made an impassioned speech about how he had the two compasses, so if the crew sent him adrift they’d all be screwed. I have a hard time believing that if he took the two compasses the next few shows would be filled with treasure hunts going in circles, but whatever. So after Copperfield’s feint, Captain Joe replies: He goes on about the stars and the big dipper, and the sun, and something about drawing in the sand, to explain that he doesn’t need a compass. It sounds pretty good, or at least makes Copperfield look a little sad, but Copperfield refuses to back down. He asks Captain Joe: “Which way is North?”. Captain Joe looks around! The camera pans! He looks at the sky! We see the sky! It’s cloudy! We don’t see the big dipper! Neither does Captain Joe! Ordering one official Pirate buuuuuuurn care of a little Copperfield magic! Arrrr Matey!

We finally get to the vote, and I wondered if the editors got sent adrift, because we get a very strange shot of our Jeff Probst stand-in, Cameron Daddo, shuffling through the votes as he awkwardly tried to count them. Did we really have to see that? (but maybe I shouldn’t dismiss Daddo so easily: visit Daddo’s blog where you’ll see some terrifying sketches he’s done of the contestants as they get sent adrift…Let’s see Probst do that. booya).

With the votes awkwardly shuffled and counted before out eyes, it comes down to Copperfield and Captain Joe. And being sent adrift, in a unanimous decision, is…. Copperfield! We get a great shot of him looking confused, and I have to admit I was surprised that the entire crew voted against him. I feel like the editors must have cut out a part where he spewed racial epithets or performed a striptease, because the rest of the crew clearly despised him.

And just like that, Copperfield’s voyage is over. But he gets a new voyage on a little raft as he gets sent out into the darkness. That has to be the oddest part of the show. I wonder how long they let him sail away for? If the show’s crew doesn’t like the cast member, do they let him drift longer? I want to hear about a search and rescue mission for a crew member that got sent adrift and then got lost. Marc Burnett, pay attention, it would be a ratings bonanza.

After all that I’ve got to admit that I’m at least close to being hooked. The treasure hunt was lame, the set looked like a Disney ride, and the crew, with the exception of Captain Joe’s Napoleon complex, seemed pretty unexciting. But if the crew could just manage a little more pirate talk, it wouldn’t take much to make me happy, or at least one Johnny Depp impression per episode, then I’d be legitimately hooked. So I’m willing to give them a few more chances, mainly because I suspect that the longer this plays out, and the more that the Captain acts like a jackass, the closer we’ll get to renacting Zimbardo’s Stanford Prison Study, and then the sparks will really start to fly. Arrrr, psychology experiments!

UPDATE: Alright, I just couldn’t do it.  I tried watching more episodes, but well, it’s awful.